a walk to remember

i turned to my left
where you used to be
i look at my left hand
which you used to lead

i sat on my bed
with only your shirt on
frozen & numb,
afraid to turn the lights on

the tears they come,
but they refuse to leave
i slammed the wall,
yet i find no relief

i realize
while the tears continue
i've lost my way again
& i've lost you

won't be blogging for a while
it hurts, too much.

oops! nature calls!

so this week, I've suffered from 2 days of stomach agony. i wanted to talk about it in my previous post but i think it deserves a whole post solely dedicated to this subject. i did not suffer from food poisoning or anything of that sort, but i was actually going through a very agonizing experience of colon detoxing.

for those of you who don't know what's colon detoxing, it's actually a process where you get rid of poisonous toxins from your colon. your colon is the largest part of your digestive system. simply put, it is your large intestines (usus besar in Malay). it is the organ that produces your feces after absorbing the nutrional values and all that jazz from the food that you have ingested. obviously, the more fibrous your diet is, the better your food is digested.

but of course, with the amount of chemical that we unknowingly consume in our diet these days, it comes to no surprise if a medical practitioner tells you that you have a mountain stack of toxins in your body, stored especially in your colon. if not dealt with properly, a toxic colon can lead to colon cancer.

now is that scary or what?

I looked up on the net and found out that besides causing illness in the long run, it can also cause many short run symptoms as well. namely, constipation, excessive gas, bloating, protruding abdomen, fatigue, skin blemishes, mood swings and also body odor!

i definitely struck gold with some of the mentioned symptoms.

& it is embarassing ok if you have a really bad body odor. imagine you having to sardine yourself with someone with B.O on the train. how would you like that? "do not do to others what you do not want to be done unto you" ring a bell?

a graphics joke about BO

the first person who encouraged me to start colon detox was the boyfriend's mother. muahaha i feel the love from auntie! she was relating her personal experience to me & advised me to start it as well. auntie is a very health conscious person btw. she knows what natural ingredients are goodies for the body and she is a yoga instructor as well. so the idea was floating around in my mind for a while.

then came mummy who is another health conscious person. i was complaining to her about my bloating & constipation problem despite consuming fibrous food. so she decided to get me a box of colon detoxing pills from Cosway. since it was a baby step for me, she got me a cheaper box for starters to see if my body could accept it. obviously, it would be a waste to get an expensive pills only to find out that it's not good for you right? thus, Oriyen's Colo-Cleanse.
right, here comes the ordeal. I took the pills for 2 nights in a row, right before bedtime as suggested on the packaging. my experience? I've been experiencing excessive bowel movements and nature calls. they are both expected as part of the process btw so do not feel alarmed. certain sites mentioned that this process can lead to rashes, fever, cold, fatigues and headaches too but i experienced none of that sort. i'm thinking it differs for different individuals?

but true enough, i can see the effect soon after. as i was excreting, i observed that i have excreted some stone-like features. they're mostly dark green in colour and they look like small pebbles or rice grains. it sounds awfully gross and painful, but nothing felt better after handling my business as i feel so much more comfortable.

well since I've only been taking it for 2 nights, i cannot see any major differences yet, but i do feel much better in my movement, as in i do not feel as lazy as before and my stomach is not as bloated as before. mind you, tonight will only be my 3rd night so i'm still observing if diarrhoea is a constant symptom or just an initial one.

a word of advice to those who would like to try colon detoxing, please consult your GP or someone who has some medical background, at least. you'd never know if your body cannot accept the detoxification process. drink plenty of fluid to keep your body hydrated too.
my personal advice? make sure you take the pill, on the night before the day you are sure to be at home or not constantly out because you can never anticipate the sudden urge to pass motion. so it's best to be in the comforts of your own home when it happens.

best pic to describe your feeling when taking a dump while detoxing

if you're detoxing for the 1st time, it's best to do it for the first few days in a row, up to your own will followed by a routined schedule (once every week / every other week / once a month). you know, to clean out the toxins from your body continuosly so that it does not get affected by overstored toxins.

but hey, if you think that it's not worth spending the few extra bucks to get a colon detoxing pill, you can start off by taking loads and loads of fibrous stuff. you know....

Vegetables

Fruits

oats

beans

nuts & seeds

& the usual advice that i should probably start taking myself, start exercising regularly!!

honestly, the world that we live in is a scary place already. everything that we ingest can be a leading step to some harmful or terminal illness. for example, did you know that taking in too much protein can actually trigger the cancer cells?? did you know that those yummy pisang goreng (fried banana slices) that we love so much are fried with plastic to make it crunchier?? did you know that processed meat are made from the most unimaginable parts of the animal??

they all look so darn good
but they're all evil in disguise!!!

all these ignorant eating habits that we have cultivated, is the very factor that hospitals are getting richer & richer by the minute. so why not spend the extra few bucks that we can afford in putting the effort to live healthily, than having to fork out a huge lumpsum for avoidable medical treatments in the future?

hold on! hold on! don't throw out all your food yet! you can still consume them k? ever heard of the term - eat in moderation? that's always the best way to enjoy glorious food. Amen to that!

bloggin on his Purplie

oh my oh my, it seems like everyone's religiously updating their blogs but me. well i guess i haven't found much to blog about these days. so this is just going to be another update blog as i watch the boyfriend sleep (so soundly btw) in front of me while i dominate his Purplie ;-)

first of all, I'd like to thank those who have commented on my previous post both here and on FB. truthfully i'm just writing what i feel. although i'm not the most religious Catholic in the world, but this issue is somethig more than that. it's about oppression in a way. whatever happened to freedom of speech people? if you condemn us for using the word "Allah" just because you think it rightfully belongs to YOU people, then might as well stop using the word "duka", "puja", maha" and so many more. according to the rules that YOU have set, these words originate from Sanskrit so you shouldn't be using them either, right? you should stop using them because they RIGHTFULLY belong to the Hindus and Buddhists. 'nuff said.

right, i have a feeling that with whatever i have written above will somehow trigger another roll of comments or i would received mixed reactions from the public. do let me know what you think, I'm up for an open web discussion :)

so other than the post, I'm entering my 4th week already for the new term, taking Religions in Asia and Macroeconomics to fulfill my Humanity and Social Science requirements. RiA may be a little boring, but it is interesting to learn about other religions around you. You get to learn and understand their worldview, and therefore understand their cause as well. a subject that i think many Malaysians need before they start rebelling against the court's ruling. MacroE. damn you MacroE i don't get you most of the time! well, not really. I can get you alright, but the one who's passing on the knowledge just lacks the skill to make you easily understandable. results from last term were good, and i've managed to pull my CGPA up to a 3.6. ;-)

oh oh, before i forget. this whole Allah issue has gotten way out of hand. with mosques, schools, Sikh temples being targeted. what has Malaysia come to?? seriously those who are responsible, you guys are just adding fuel to the fire. when will you ever realize that violence is not the answer? but wait, why are all these places being targeted in the first place? what's the main reason? someone should get to the bottom of this cz it's not funny when you're just building more tension among the nation. It may or may not be Christians who are responsible, it may or may not be people from other religion. we'll never know until the real culprits are detained and locked behind bars. so i wouldn't rush into making speculations now, we'll see how it goes.

I'm sure you guys are all tuned in to the whole "Allah" controversy that's been going on for the past year in Malaysia. it's been a grueling year for all Catholics & non-Muslims alike, as we march into the courts to fight for our rights to use the term Allah in our religious publications. Our liscenses were revoked, we were defamed, we've received countless threats & harassment from irresponsible parties who claim to be fighting for their special rights.

but while going through all these hardships, I can still stand in the middle of Masses to witness the strong faith of my Catholic brothers & sisters who without fail, pray for the ban to be lifted every day & every weekend. So it comes to no surprise that everyone, including the non-Catholic citizen rejoiced with pure gratefulness when the High Court granted the Herald the permission to rightfully use the word Allah in their publications. immediately during the New Year's eve Mass celebrated in my church, we were giving thanks & offerings for such a joyous occasion. Because this meant that we, not only the Catholics, were slowly starting to be able to fight for what is right for all, rather than to be shunned out as the minorities of the country.

sad to say, there are those who are absolutely unhappy & dissatisfied with the outcome of the hearings. 1stly, the Herald Online was hacked into. 2ndly, 3-4 churches in the Klang Valley were set off on attempted arson. now i'm a very reasonable person when it comes to these sort of childish acts. I've had some disgruntledments, I've had some dissatisfactions. however when all these happened, my thoughts were, "it's ok, we've all anticipated such drama to unfold." mind you, i was practically a ticking time bomb for holding my tongue. i thought i could keep my mouth shut. but no, i'm sorry but i've tolerated enough.

the trigger

you see, what sparked the fire in me from video number 1 is that, they kept saying "Jangan kacau Islam". for those who are not fluent in our national lingo, it literally means "do not disturb Islam". the speaker have stated clearly, "kita tidak akan membenarkan orang Kristian atau penganut-penganut agama lain memutarbelitkan kesucian perkataan Allah itu." Translation - we will not allow the Christians or those from other religions to distort the holiness of the word Allah.

having said that. I plead all you faithful & loyal Muslim God lovers who agree with the speaker & are in full support of going against the High Court ruling, please, do go through all of our permitted legal religious publications, & show me, point to me, on which line, which day, which publication, which article exactly have you seen us degrading the holiness of this word? Isn't the word Allah literally means God in Arab?

what we merely do, by using the word Allah is to praise God & how wonderful He is. what we merely do, is just to translate the word so that our fellow brothers & sisters from Sabah & Sarawak, or any of those who are not fluent in English or Mandarin to be able to understand the published articles. i assure you that we view the word with the utmost sanctity & reverence. why? because it's stated in our 10 Commandments - we do not use the Lord's name in vain. if we were to disrespect the word Allah (because Allah = God), that would mean that we have become sinners ourselves. Now tell me why are we fighting so hard for our rights -in a peaceful manner - to use this word if we were actually sinning when we use it? That would be completely despicable & hypocritical of us right? to actually fight & make such a big deal out of it when you are already in the wrong. we would risk having the Catholic faith laughed at by the entire world for such a silly & nonsensical act.

Moving on to the 2nd point. the whole "Jangan kacau Islam" propaganda repeated again & again in the video. Now, this to me, is completely ridiculous. for 19 years i've been attending Mass & other religious activities held by the Catholic church. never once in my entire life have i heard us Catholics meddling into Islamic issues. not once. na-da. zilch. what did we do? Many rumours have been going around with regards to the Catholics disturbing the peace of the Islamic society.

From Dato Azhar Mansor baptising Malays when it was actually the Sacrament of Baptism for small children, to the most uncalled for defamation in Al-Islam, claiming that the Catholic church is massively converting young Muslims into the Catholic faith with briberies in the form of lucrative finances, gifts & privileges. Both rumours were deemed untrue. The 2nd one especially, was a huge disappoinment for many Catholics as they were tight slaps across the face. Our Sacred Holy Communion was spat out & photographed of, our Sacred Mass was likened to somewhat a misleading cult. Both rumours were untrue, I repeat.

Now, if there were Catholics who so much so as egged a mosque, or peed outside a mosque as a sign of disrespect, it would be a completely different issue as that would be considered an intentional act to disturb the Islamic society. but we did nothing of that sort, did we? instead what do we do? we pray for our country's leaders (who are mostly Muslims btw) for the betterment of their service & also for the country itself. we pray for everyone during the economic downturn, when disasters had occured. If that is considered disturbing or harassing the Islamic faith, then hands up I really have nothing else to say. Because that would show just how peanut sized of a brain that person is.

from the 2nd video, I cannot believe the nerve this Chief of the Muslim Organisation had to actually say they want to solve this with peace & harmony. oh yes, great speech dude. but wait, aren't you the same guy from 0.15 who's actually leading the protest with such emotion?? you see the contradiction here? If you want to solve this peacefully, go to court k? You've witnessed us doing it. We've even managed to win by doing so, without having to lead any form of unnecessary protest. & there you are, one hand holding the mic saying you want peace & harmony, whilst on the other you're the leader of the protesters. great contradiction depicted within less than 4 minutes.

IMHO, this whole Allah issue is becoming too much of a controversy. Let's not blame it on political motives, or morons purely trying to manipulate the situation to cause racial disharmony for their selfish fun & pleasure. it's a simple & petty issue which should not have happened in earlier stages itself. I'm actually wondering who's the guy who actually opened his big mouth that managed to brainwash so many people into thinking that an Arabic word actually belonged to the Malaysian Muslims only. if not mistaken, this whole issue surfaced in 2006 only. it is a joke to me because we have all been living in the same country, using the same Allah word for the past i-don't-know-how-many-years, yet you don't hear of any problems from any side. but come 2006, the Catholics were likened to a cult & we were the ones who seemingly have been causing uproars to the Muslim society. Big. Fat. Joke.

what's even more upsetting & humiliating is that, this entire journey had been recorded on international television network. PressTV itself is accessible by international viewers with the click of a button. Our country's stupidity & uncalled for behaviour is being witnessed by millions as we speak. Our big 1malaysia headline just went down the toilet. I picture myself, in a few years time. when i head over to the States, people would not know me, Angelina - the girl from that country which spearheaded the Copenhagen Global Warming summit 2009. But they will know me as Angelina - the girl whose country's main issue is an Arabic word.

010110

when i started this post, it' exactly 10.59pm shown on my laptop. just for fun, we'll see how long it takes for me to write k? I'm not entirely sure how long, or what am i going to talk about today. but yeah, we'll see how long, just for fun :)

the boyfriend's brother's wedding dinner is on Sunday. I'm actually super duper excited behind all the nervousness. why? cz besides getting to meet his entire extended family, i get to participate in a wedding fully for once! for both the tea ceremony & the wedding reception. i'm uber excited because i've never had the chance to help out in a wedding before. even for my cousins' weddings, I've only attended one, without lending any help whatsoever either. that's what you get when you grew up separated from all your cousins, & you are not extremely close to most of them.

it's 11.05pm btw

i'm sitted in my room, listening to songs & blogging. at the same time i'm just taking time off, looking around my tiny-sized room. it's crazy how messy this room can be yet i still find it cosy in my own way. I'm a real hoarder. it comes to no surprise when you can actually find magazines from as far back as 2004 still sitting in my bookshelf. well no more i tell you. i've just packed up all of my treasured magazines - Cleo, Female, Seventeen, KLue, Juice, all of them. packed into boxes waiting to either be recycled or to be donated to charity. so now i have 1 empty slot in my shelf that's going to collect dust pretty soon.

so NYE was spent with the boyfriend in Bangsar & Midvalley. Then at night, we headed over to boyfriend's friend's house for dinner. i like the concept of his house. it's a single storey corner lot, with an outdoor patio & an outside dining area. guess where we ate? ;-) dinner was simple food - deep fried chicken & fish fillet, vege, cold tofu & rice. boyfriend is damn good at cooking btw! i would lose out to him if we have a cook off. i love his cooking!

b! i miss your mac & cheese! :D

But the best thing about dinner was spending good quality time in good company. not too many people, just a few that can hold good conversations & click.

i felt really awful cz i couldnt celebrate countdown with him as i had to go for NYE mass. & he planned for us to go for dinner, then off to DPC for the countdown celebration. i felt so bad when i left the friend's place to go for mass. but an obligation's an obligation. so right after mass was over, i joined him & his friends over at St. Andrew's Cafe in BSD. after spending like an hour or so, we headed elsewhere to spend some time together.

nothing beats spending quality time with your boyfriend on New Year's morning. agreed? =)

ok, off topic for a while. you know how sometimes you're not with your special someone, yet you can still feel him around you all the time? that amazing feeling is planted within me now. it's completely breathtaking how everytime i close my eyes, i can feel him hugging me tightly like he has never hugged me in a million years already. it's completely exhilirating how every night when i go to bed, i can feel him planting kisses on my lips & touching me softly. & it's just crazy how he is constantly on my mind, whatever i do, see, watch, eat, feel, i'm reminded of him & they carve crazy smile on my face.

this sweet, amazing, love of mine. it's like an elixir to live on.

i'm not going to make you nauseated further with my love drunk notes. but you get the picture i'm sure ;-)

wokayh, i'm gonna end this post. it's exactly 11.27pm. goodnight world!

2009 is finally coming to an end. well, time sure flies, doesn't it? this time last year, i was writing about my happenings in 2008, & looking forward to attend a new college. this time round, i'm just gonna pour in my random thoughts, while looking forward to attending the same college for the whole of next year again.

so, i'm not gonna talk much about what happened in 2009. i'm grateful that mum's recuperation progress is wonderful, i've met amazing new friends, i found comfort in my studies & i am with someone precious & important to me. it's been one hell of a year, 2009. i've had my fair share of love, laughter, sadness, mistakes, advices, not forgetting hatred. I've stuck through with American Degree Program & i've served as White House's Entertainment Leader. i've learnt some valuable lessons & i have had my breakdowns as well.

looking back, the one important lesson that i have learnt & cherished would be to change. I've always been in a position where i used to blame the whole world for things that i did not want to take the heat for, be it consciously or unconsciously. I've always found fault with other people rather than staring at the mirror hard enough to realize that sometimes, i am the one with the obvious flaws.

within this 1 year, i have learnt to change my perception on certain people & start accepting them (they turn out to be the ones i hang out with most in college). i have learnt to take up my own responsibility & not push it to others. i have regretted my past & am in the process of changing my attitude towards certain things. i have learnt to start thinking about other people's feelings instead of focusing on my own (it's a fairly new agenda so i'm still trying).

i have changed within this year. Thanks to those whom i hold dearly to my heart, i have changed to be a better person, at least i am trying my best to do so. mistakes do occur but i am only human. I have gone to a point in life where, all i want now is to live a contented life with him, embarking on the journey of a 20 year old and to be the best that i can be. I have done so many stupid & unthinkable mistakes, that it's hard for me to stand up again. mean & nasty comments still get thrown my way but i have to learn to ignore them.

it may be weird for some that i'm choosing to ignore them, but i am honestly done with dramas. some people may find it entertaining to downgrade a person's dignity by painting an awful picture or creating unnecessary scenes with them. but i am done with all this. i am writing this with the greatest hope that, i do not wish to have any more dramas. it's too mind troubling, it draws up too much of your energy & in the end, you'll find that you have wasted your precious time.

all i wish for now, is for peace. a peaceful relationship with him, with my family & with my friends. I do not wish to get entangled with any form of arguments that could be avoided at best. i do not wish for my past to be an obstacle to be the fullest person i can be in the future. my desire now is to achieve academic excellence, making my parents proud and also putting my best effort into making my relationship with him work.

to those that i have offended or hurt in the past, i hereby present to you my most heartfelt apology. I do not wish to have any trouble going on between us & i hope you can accept it & forgive me. if it was up to me, i'd like to make all the tensions go away with the snap of a finger. but it's never that easy in real life. all i can say is I'm sorry & i hope that you will bury the hatchet once & for all.

so this coming 2010, it's time for me to grow up as i live my last year as a teenager. it's time for me to take things more seriously & start planning for a solid future. i do not have any resolutions this year, but to just be the best that i can be & achieve my maximum potential. like i've stated before on Facebook, "i wish to have a peaceful year with him, my family & my friends for 2010. Really i want nothing more than that."

Cheers to 2010

a loving & warm Christmas <3

the feeling is just so surreal, him standing right there in front of my house at 2 something in the morning.

the happiness that i felt was completely indescribable. The moment i got close enough to him, i hugged him tightly, lingering on to his warm body, willing myself not to cry. He hugged me back. "Merry Christmas", we whispered to each other.

we hugged for what seemed like an eternity. "let's start things fresh." he uttered while still hugging me. the moment i heard those words, a powerful surge of relief, happiness & love overcame me. I could not say anything but nod my head.

"no more letting small things come in between us ok?"
"u-huh" i answered in a very low voice. low but still audible to him, despite the fact that my voice was muffled by his embrace.

we continued hugging, then kissed, then pulled away to look at each other, then hugged, then kissed again. it went on for quite some time. in my heart, i kept thanking him for this chance again, for a fresh start. i wanted to tell him, but i was too happy for words, & i had this silly grin plastered on my face.

sometimes we all need a real wake up call. I nearly lost someone so precious to me without realizing that I've been hurting him too much. i took him for granted, not understanding his feelings. i thought i did loose him forever already. someone whom i love whole-heartedly & someone whom i wanted to share my life with.

for the past couple of days, i kept kicking myself for being an ignorant & inconsiderate girlfriend. I found myself tearing at the oddest times, & most of the time i kept gazing blankly, the world around me completely tuned out. the feeling is unbearable & it's killing me deep within.

to know that you have hurt someone you love so much, to know that you were thinking of your own interest in the relationship & completely ignoring your partner's. to know that you've caused nothing but misery & pain to the one you do not wish to hurt at all. to know that you may very well loose someone so dear to you because of your own mistakes, but you're unwilling to let go either.

this chance for a new beginning came to me. i appreciate it a lot, & i am completely grateful for his willingness at another fresh start with me. thank you baby. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. for a beautiful Christmas memory, & most importantly for sticking with me. I don't want to hurt you no more, I only wish to be your good baby girl. ILY so, so much.



i've probably sung this song a thousand times, but it did not mean anything, not until when i am with you. <3 <3